How I Lost the Signal
Someone asks where you want to go for dinner.
Right away, you know. Sushi. You’ve been craving sushi.
Then: Sushi is so epensive. Is it rude to suggest? Does she even like sushi? You remember one of your friends hates it… was that her? How many times has she told you?
By the time you’ve finished that thoguht loop, you’ve suggested salads. Salads are safe. And now you’re already in the car. On the way.
Or there’s this time:
You’re at a friend’s house. Everyone’s drinking. You don’t drink anymore. You’re fine but it’s getting late, and you’re tired. You started fading out about an hour ago.
You want to go home.
Then: your friend is hosting. Will she feel bad if you leave? Another friend is drunker than you’ve ever seen her. Is that your responsibility? If something happens after you leave, is that on you?
You sit with your water and do the math. How tired am I? How drunk is she? At what point does my discomfort become a legitimate reason to leave? Where exactly is the threshold where your want becomes valid.
You’re still there at midnight.
You’re just being thoughtful. Careful. Conscientious. You are just checking.
But checking has a cost. One that doesn’t show up right away.
The original signal goes quiet while the checking is taking place. It doesn’t fight. It doesn’t repeat itself louder. It just waits, and if you take long enough, it’s gone by the time you come back for it.
But it’s not gone. That’s the disorienting part.
You can still feel that something was there. The shape of it. The direction it was pointing. But when you try to locate it directly, it’s like trying to see something in your peripheral vision. The moment you turn toward it, it moves.
So you make a decision anyway. Based on what looks right. What you can explain. What seems like a reasonable thing to want given the circumstances. Acceptable.
You eat the salad. You stay until midnight. You answer the question.
But the answer isn’t quite what you felt. It’s what you were able to justify feeling.
I don’t know when wanting started requiring a hearing.
What I know is how it ends. The deflation first. Then the resentment. I knew what I wanted. The audit just got there first.
If this resonates, I’m running a free live session on exactly this stage.
Not the leaving. The after. Why it’s harder than you expected, what the system was actually doing for you, and why trying harder keeps backfiring.
No plan. No list. Just an explanation that finally fits.